The Five Stages of Pooping at the Bar

Is there a bigger buzzkill during a night out on the town than the sudden urge to defecate? In a perfect world, we could shut off this part of human biology until we reach the comfort of our own home. Unfortunately, there comes a time for each of us when we must cope with the 5 stages of pooping at the bar. 1. Denial You stand up to grab another round and you feel that familiar stomach grumble. But now the bartender is taking longer and longer, and the doubt creeps in as the stomach churning continues. Probably nothing.. We just ate. There’s no way I have to crap already. Nothing a couple of beers can’t fix.  2. Anger As you sip your beer and try to catch up on the conversation, that feeling in your gut you brushed off earlier intensifies. Reality is setting in. You are angry at anything and anyone that may have caused this to happen to you, and become visibly withdrawn from your social group. There’s no way I’m shitting here…These bathrooms are disgusting! I didn’t even want to go out! 3. Bargaining This is the stage where you are going through “if only” situations in your head. You wish to turn back to a time when things were normal again, thinking about what you would have done to change the past. If only I could go back in time and un-eat those 20 hot wings and un-shotgun those Coors heavies. 4. Depression The walk to the bathroom stall is pure sadness. You feel as though you have hit a new personal low. In this dark place you begin to wonder if there’s any point to life. Is this who I am? The guy who poops at the bar? The seat is wet. Holding back tears, you grab a wad of one-ply TP and dry it off for yourself. 5. Acceptance You have emptied your bowels, but you have also cleansed your soul. You suddenly gain perspective on the situation. You might even let out a laugh at something funny written on the wall of the stall. After all, you’re only human, and there is still a long night ahead. Things can only go up from here right?